Column - My fellow Canadians

By Stephen Lautens

The 2015 election will soon be upon us and we will soon be gathering in church basements, town halls and in front of the TV to hear the candidates tell us why the country will go to hell in a handbasket if we don't elect them instead of their opponents.

To save both you, the voter, and the hundreds of candidates across the country a lot of time and effort, I thought I'd write down the same speech most of them will probably be giving.

All you have to do is cross out the words that don't apply:

* * *

Thank you for inviting me to participate in this all candidates meeting today.

It is a pleasure being here with my voters today instead of in (Ottawa / fact-finding trip to Paris / jail).

I stand before you today to say that the government's record personally makes me (proud / embarrassed / outraged / confused / sleepy).

As your candidate in this federal election I can promise you (more of the same / a complete change / criminal charges will be brought when we find out who's responsible).

As your member of Parliament, I pledge to you that if elected I will spend (more time in the community / more time in Ottawa / more time on a beach in the Caribbean).

Here in the community, my constituency office will be there to help you (anytime you need it / alternate Thursdays between 2 and 3:30 p.m.).

I have been asked where I stand on some of the vital issues of the day.

Let me tell you that I am strongly against (raising your taxes / reducing your services) and we need to (increase / decrease) spending on government programs.

The less-fortunate in our society (need our help more than ever / need a kick in the behind / need to pray more /  need to move to Ontario).

I would also like to go on the record to state that we need to (seriously fund / reinvent / send out a search party to look for) our military.

Air Canada should be (saved / scrapped / made to eat their own in-flight meals).

The gun registry is (dead / worth every penny / not going to pry my grampa's .22 out of my cold, dead hands).  Because after all, registering guns is just the first step towards (fascism / socialism / a responsible society with fewer bullet holes in people).

I don't need to remind you that our province has (done so well / been screwed by) Confederation. It was the (best / worst) thing that has ever happened to us.

Like you I (hate Toronto / hate Ottawa / hate Toronto and Ottawa).

If our country has any problems, we have no one to blame but (ourselves / the French / the English / immigrants / the voices in my head).

With crime continuing to fall to historically low levels, now is the time to (hire more cops / build more jails / keep scaring people needlessly to get their votes).

My party goes into this election with a new leader, and I am excited because (he's smart / he's inspiring / he's got to be better than that last guy).

These are difficult times, and that is why it is (time for a change / no time to be making changes).

We need people in Ottawa who will bring (experience / a fresh approach / their own lunch) to the job.

And so I ask you to vote for me, and send me to Ottawa were I can (do the most good / do the least harm / get some well-deserved sleep).


© Stephen Lautens